CHAPTER 7 1/2 THE GODDESS OF LOVE IS A BITCH

CHAPTER 7 1/2 THE GODDESS OF LOVE IS A BITCH

Well fall has finally arrived and I spend the last week of that summer preparing Layla for her move, she was renting an apartment with some girl that she knew. The place was right off campus and seemed nice from what I heard. Layla was so excited, this being the first time she was moving out on her own. I was happy to see her happy but at the same time scared of the fact that she was leaving. Nevertheless I send my baby on her way. The day she left wasn’t as bad as I thought only for the mere fact that on this day I decided next weekend would be a perfect time for me to make my first visit. I tried to convince myself that this was just a temporary move and everything would be kosher between us, so there was no need for a big goodbye or anything like that. So as she sits in her car and starts it I lean in through the window to give her one last kiss on her temple and boom just like that she’s gone. That first week without Layla was a long uneventful week for me.

All I really did was work and wait for the weekend to roll on through. Everyday felt like a week but eventually Friday was here and I started to make that drive to go see her. One thing that has always stuck with me was that ride down. Not what I saw on the road trip but rather what I heard. I am a huge talk radio fan and hardly listen to music in my car. Unless I’m in one of those emotional moods, then I’m just totally jamming out. Anyway on this day I was listening to my favorite show at the time which was hosted by my favorite sports writer. The Tony Kornheiser Show. Most people know him as Michael Wilbons counterpart on Pardon the Interruption on ESPN or the guy who hosts Monday Night Football. Well before all that he was a sports writer for the Washington Post and a radio personality. I had listened to Tony for a while now and I was completely in love with the show. Unfortunately with my new work schedule this was the first time in a couple of weeks I was able to listen and as I turn on my sports talk show I learn some bad news.

Today is Tony’s last day the shows final broadcast. I think it was because he had just got the Monday night gig and didn’t have enough time for a daily radio show but don’t quote me on that. Now I was upset that he was leaving but that’s not why this specific episode was so memorable. It was the song that he was breaking down and it was the way it made me feel. Confused, well let me explain. Tony's final show was centered around an infamous song that I heard at least a hundred times but had no idea of the story behind the story. The show broke down the lyrics of Don McLean’s “American Pie.” You know: them good ole boys drinkin’ whiskey and rye. I was learning about the controversial meanings behind the lyrics. I won’t get too far into it but it’s basically about various political and social movements in the mid to late sixties. Well actually it’s more than that, I would highly recommend for anyone to look this subject up on the Internet. The point is hearing this song on this ride was for some reason really getting to me. “American Pie” was about an end of an era and of course in my own selfish and egocentric way I made it all about me. I can remember that feeling I had the whole ride down. That uneasy nervous feeling right in my gut it was like a mix between butterflies and liquor shits. I couldn’t help but feel that maybe this was the end of our era. Maybe she left because she wanted to get away from me, maybe this was the beginning of the end, maybe we would both end up cheating on each other and everything would get all screwed up like it did with Luisa. There all of a sudden were a lot of maybes in my head. All of them were totally unwarranted but I still spent the next four hours thinking about it all. Thanks a lot Tony Kornheiser.

Of course he was not really to blame; it was my own insecurities that I had to deal with. So all that was left was to suck it up and go see my girl. After that long ride amid the turmoil in my mind the exact thing I needed to see was her pretty face. It felt like it had been weeks if not months since I had seen her. She was even more beautiful than I remembered, her dark shiny midnight black hair was in my face as I was hugging her I just held her and took her in breathe by breathe. I remember thinking that everything was going to be ok with us. I guess it is true that distance makes the heart grow weary, so all I had to do was not leave too much distance between us for too long of a time. Easier said than done when your girlfriend lives in a different state than you. For now though everything was kosher. We had a blast that weekend, spending every moment with each other and absolutely enjoying it. But leaving her this time was much harder than before because we did not know exactly when we would see each other. I had to get back to work and she had to get back to school. It would be at least a couple of weeks before either one of us could go see the other. The ride home was a lonely one no Layla and no Tony, just me, my car and a couple of blunts. Thank God for marry Jane the one girl who will never leave me.

OK now I’m back home. I miss Layla instantly and the effects of a long distance relationship start to wear in. A few weeks go by, we talk all the time but slowly it seems our conversations get shorter and shorter. She makes some friends out there, a few of them being guys. Of course I disapprove and try to explain to her Chris Rocks theory of a guy in the friend zone and that they only stay in the friend zone because they have to. Until they get that one shot and then they will scoop you up like a hawk. She thinks I’m just crazy and overprotective and while she is correct on both counts I still knew I was right. But I had to be more mature than that; I had to let her live her life. Besides what was I going to do, forbid her to from making guy friends? First of all that would be a psycho kind of guy request and second Layla was not the kind of girl to ever let anyone forbid her from doing anything.

So I try to get over my insecurities about her guy friends. As her semester continues Layla and I see each other about every two or three weeks. On the outside everything seemed perfect, actually the sex was better than ever because it wasn’t a daily thing and the buildup of all the phone sex we were having was really bringing the kinky out of us. But under the outer shell we were somehow becoming more distant with each other. It was all happening so slow and steady that I couldn’t really notice it at the time but as I think back it’s just so obvious we were drifting apart. Layla was really into school and that was fine but the curve ball came when she started telling me about these “self help” classes her friends got her into. They were these courses that people would sign up and pay good money for so they can be told clichés like there are those that try and those that do or they have you do stuff like make a list of people to apologize to. All of this sounded like an AA meeting to me and Layla was not happy about my lack of enthusiasm about it.

My theory about these so called self help classes was always that if (and this is a big if) these people that run these organizations are so righteous about their ideas and projects which by the way are actually pretty good ideas in most cases. Then you can put the whole course on a DVD and sell it for ten bucks or better yet put it on YouTube for free or you could have your seminars and charge just enough to cover your costs. But I looked into it and these people were charging a thousand plus per person per 5 week session. That was ridiculous to me but you would be surprised how many damn people were signing up for these classes.

This is when Layla and I truly bumped heads for the first time. The more she tried to push this stuff on me the more I got turned off by it and the more I tried to talk her out of wasting her time and money the more she seemed turned off by me. Eventually we just agreed to disagree but still this was one more thing in between us. As Layla's semester nears an end she decides to stay and finish the year and not move back till the summer. We had discussed this before so it was not a complete shock but deep down inside I thought she would of come home after that first semester. I tried to not let on how hurt I was that she did not miss me as much as I missed her. Maybe that was the problem I should of let her know how distraught I was but instead I kept it all bottled and let that hurt marinate until one day when it will turn into absolute rage. Luckily we had a couple of weeks together for her Christmas break so I was just happy to be with her. Unfortunately sooner than later the New Year came and it was bearing a few surprises.

The next few months had a very bland taste to them. We just go on with our long distance relationship, seeing each other every few weeks or so desperately trying to keep the flame burning. Until the call that changed everything. My phone vibrates, as I’m watching a movie at my apartment with my roommates. I look down and see its Layla. Quickly I get up and go to my room because as soon as I pick up I can tell she is upset. She was kind of whining and crying at the same time, it was very difficult to understand her. After a few minutes of sorting out what’s going on I realize she is trying to tell me that she kissed someone (who by the way was one of those friends/scooping hawks we discussed earlier). This was so unexpected, I totally thought she was going to tell me her uncle is sick or her dog died not that she hooked up with some dude. The immediate sensation I felt was simply the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life. I was absolutely disgusted I wanted to just curl up in a ball and vomit profusely. I will later know this sensation again but it will come in a much different form known as withdrawal and it will come tenfold. But I’m getting way too far ahead of myself; let’s get back to the story.

In the past there were girls I’ve dated that I found out were hooking up with other guys and I was somewhat upset but really I didn’t care. I expected that from those types of girls but not Layla, even though all she said they did was kiss I was still outraged. I didn’t even let her finish explaining as soon as I realized what she said I went into a lunatic like rage. My initial reaction was to hang up on her and to simply stand in my room just staring at the wall with a completely shocked look on my face. But as she kept repeatedly calling me back I started to get more and more enraged and I mean this was an unprecedented anger for me. So by the fifth time she calls me back I pick up and start to curse her out and say as many demeaning things as I can come up with. This was a side of me neither one of us had ever seen before. Then after saying horrible unthinkable things to her she hangs up on me and I make a personal vow to never speak to her again. Now I know from the outside looking in you can say it was just a kiss and she even had the decency to tell me but I just kept picturing her making out with some guy while he had his hands, no wait his dirty grimy hands all over MY princess, and really who knew exactly what she did all I knew was what she told me. At the time; to me, that kiss was the first step into what seemed like an endless tunnel of doomed reality. I finally manage to get about two hours of sleep that night, and when I woke up I was still pissed off.

Only difference was that I realized I should not have said those harsh words to her. We don’t talk for the next two days, which was the longest period of time I hadn’t heard her voice since we got together. On the second night Layla shows up, completely unannounced at my front door. So we finally sit down and talk about everything like adults, her story had conveniently changed from she kissed someone to someone tried to kiss her and she pushed them off. It was obvious that she just felt bad and tried to change her story to make me feel better. But I guess love is not only blind it’s gullible as well because slowly I was starting to believe her. And once she told me she was moving back for good and that she dropped her two classes that weren’t online just to be with me, I completely caved in. How could I not she was sacrificing to make things work besides she was my heart what else could I do but stay with her. Sadly though inside I never really forgave her for what she did, I mean I was giving up sweet threesomes in Miami and this bitch is was making out with some random dude. I’m sorry I take that back she is not a bitch at all, but from here on I always had that sense of doubt in the back of my mind. I still loved her but I lost some of what once was unyielding respect for her.


The next couple of weeks were awkward and tough for us but at least she was back in town and man did it feel good to have her near me. Slowly I start to get over everything that happened; I mean it was just a kiss it’s not like she had sex with anyone. And the one factor that really helped me was that she came out and told me what happened, I always appreciated that. Also the sex was still amazing especially the newly discovered angry sex that we were having. It was rough and kinky to say the least. Unfortunately even a donkey punch couldn’t salvage our relationship because as much as we tried things weren’t the same as before and probably never would be. Tried working on the relationship that is not tried working on a donkey punch; actually there never really was a donkey punch it just made for well, a good punch line. One new aspect was our fighting, we used to never argue at all but now the slightest little things would trigger and set off either one of us, hence the angry sex. I think it was a two way street of built up anger, me being angry for what she did and her being angry for what I said. Honestly I couldn’t even blame her for being so upset. The night of the original fight about the kiss I said some harsh, cruel and disrespectful things that a man should never say to anyone especially a woman. Trust me you don’t want to know exactly what I said and I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to because I have blocked the details of that fight out of my mind for so long that I just don’t remember them.

So all of a sudden I feel like we are an old married couple (until we have sex at least) and on top of all that I was moving up in the restaurant to head assistant manager which was really just a bullshit title that meant more hours, more responsibility and not much more pay. So in a flash I went from a young kid to an old man, now that may sound a little extreme but it is exactly how I felt. See that’s the thing that can happen when you’re in your twenties one day you feel like you’re still eighteen and then BOOM you’re thirty. This can all be very intimidating and I feel is the root of the tree that is the quarter life crisis. As far as Layla and I things were not getting much better, the fighting continues and I catch myself becoming a very jealous guy, which sucked because I always took pride in the fact that I was very confident in our bond. My theory used to be that if you could take my girl from me then you deserve to have her, but it is a lot harder to say and mean that when you don’t have complete trust for your girlfriend.

Our relationship starts getting very sour, we finally decide to take some time apart. But the problem with that is I was absolutely miserable without her and the thought of her with someone else made me want to do unspeakable things. The two of us start a horrendous cycle of making up and breaking up. Sadly though with each round we were just getting worse. Our fights become borderline psychotic and 90 percent of the time I wasn’t even sure what we were fighting about. We went from being one of those couples that made you sick how happy they were to one of those couples that everyone felt uncomfortable being around and wondered why they were together.

I was stuck in a trap, I was in love with the wrong girl and like a Chinese finger trick the harder I try to pull out the tougher it became. The Goddess of love was playing a cruel joke on me and just sitting back laughing it up. The Goddess of love is a bitch. Fuck her, who needs her, who needs love. I was over it. Me and Layla’s final breakup and makeup was the straw that broke the camel’s back, no pun intended. We actually tried to really end things this time; we didn’t see each other for about six weeks. I truly thought at this point we would never get back together well I guess that was just too dull for the Goddess of love because somehow I randomly bump into Layla. But before we get to that lets talk a little about the six weeks I was single. This was the first breakup we had that I actually pursued girls. I went on a couple of dates with maybe the most boring girl I had ever met so that was the end of that. More importantly during that six weeks Luisa was in town for a while visiting her mom. You remember Luisa right, the first love of my life, the click clack of her heels and all that good stuff.

Anyway long story short we slept together a few times, well a lot of times but only in a couple of days. She had a boyfriend back in Florida so it was purely just a sexual experience, nothing more and we both knew it. Ok that pretty much wraps up my six weeks and now back to when Layla and I saw each other. All the good feelings came back while the bad ones must have been hiding in the shadows because I definitely could not see any problems with us getting back together. I know now that it was because she was so damn hot that I kept getting back with her when I knew I shouldn’t, it can be a gift and a curse dating a gorgeous woman. A gift for the obvious reasons and a curse because like a good drug there even better when u haven’t had them in a while, and I really needed my fix. So we give it another shot. One of our first discussions was her asking me if I had hooked up with anyone while we were broken up, so I start to tell her about the girl I went on the two dates with and she just cuts me off to tell me she was wrong for asking and it didn’t matter to her because we were not together at the time. This worked out well because I was not planning on telling her about Luisa anyway.

Layla always had a thing about Luisa; I guess she knew that she was the only girl out there that could compete with her for my attention. Then I ask Layla the same question she just asked me and she tells me she did absolutely nothing. This reassured me to the fact that this girl really did love me and was willing to wait for me. Also it made me feel very guilty because I was so quick to stray. Things were great the first couple of weeks we were back together but eventually everything went back to normal. The fights were as bad as ever and to me Layla seemed to be losing her mind. She was very unstable and extremely emotional even for a woman. Sorry I had to say that. Seriously though she was losing it, her temper tantrums were not just verbal anymore she started trying to hit me whenever she got mad. Even though she was a sexy petite five foot hundred pound girl she sure could pack a punch. I actually thought it was kind of cute but what does that really say about me. So one day after a big fight Layla tries to make things up to me and it works because I’m just a sucker for her, and after we make up Layla says there is something she really needs to tell me and it was important for me to hear before the two of us move on. I’m getting sick just remembering this conversation.

She proceeds to tell me that when we were broken up she got back with her ex and they slept together NUMEROUS TIMES. Now that was bad enough but really it was the same thing I did. So instead of flipping out I immediately tell her about Luisa, she was very upset and crying but told me she was not finished yet. That’s when the salt starting pouring on my wound, she told me she had hooked up with another guy and worst of all he was one of my friends. “What him are you serious”, I just kept repeating that while thinking to myself I’m in love with a slut. She was so upset about everything she couldn’t really talk just cry and whimper. But as for as me, every second there was fuel being added to the fire of my rage. I yell and I curse till I can’t yell anymore. I look at her one last time in a sick and disappointed manner and she just returned look right back at me. It’s actually ironic because that was the last time these eyes ever saw that pretty face of hers. I walked out of her house and in my immature anger I scratched the word whore on the side of her car with my keys. And that is the sad, sad final memory we have of each other

I remember driving home from Layla’s house and just thinking that’s it, this time when she comes back to me, I'm not taking her. I had to be strong. I did her dirty but she had me beat tenfold (at least that’s what I believed). I mean come on her ex and someone I’m friends with in that short period. Seriously? So this time I was not going to be soft, I was not going to allow her back into my life. But I never had to put myself to the test; you see there was no taking her back because she never came back. She never called me; I never bumped into her when I was out. And honestly I waited and waited and practiced what I would say to her about a thousand times but that speech will forever go unspoken. At first I was thrilled, I hated her for the way she made me feel. I deleted her number from phone, even though it was embedded in my brain; I guess it was more symbolic than anything. But as time passed I started to think about why she wasn’t coming back. I started to question why our relationship went so bad, I used to be convinced it was because of Layla and that crazy attitude of hers but maybe it was me, maybe ultimately I'm just a selfish prick that only cares about himself and eventually she saw that, maybe it was me acting crazy in those fights, maybe it was all my doing and I pushed her away and then of course these other guys came and snatched her up. Well once again there were a lot of maybes but there was never an answer to my questions because I never got a chance to ask.

I spend the next few weeks going through stages of anger and remorse. This was a dark and desolate period for me; I could do nothing but think about Layla. I felt absolutely lonely; I had no one and nothing. The only slight getaway for my mind was work so all I did was focus on running the restaurant. They say time heals all wounds but unfortunately it was not healing my wounds fast enough so I decide to self medicate a few things that will help speed up the process.

CHAPTER 8 HERE WE GO AGAIN